It has taken me nearly 4 months to even look at any material that has been published about my old band with regards the last release I played on. The mixed emotions I feel while reading it send me in an utter spin.
Pride, anger, defiance, hurt, more pride.
That my last chapter with the band was held in such high acclaim, that my personal (‘Amongst Crows’ being the last track I recorded with the band and definitely one of my proudest moments in terms of drumming) swansong has been lauded as one of our finest song writing moments has made my heart swell and a slight smile of satisfaction comes across my face.
That my leaving was fully brushed aside and ignored still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. There are days I have pangs of pure rage because I struggle to understand and fathom why I was so willfully ignored. I am fully aware that I should let it go, but it still comes strong in waves of anger and hatred. I struggle to let those destructive emotions go and I truly wish that I could.
Four months down the line and I still struggle with the realization that music and a band should not define me. A surprisingly hard lesson to learn.